Reflection: "I Wasn't Productive Today...."
A few nights ago as I was going to bed I noticed my mind wondering. I kept hearing this phrase, “I wasn’t very productive today.” Then I felt low and beat up. Then another part of mind spoke up and said, “Wait a minute, what are you talking about? You worked on a project, you took care of your home, you also rested because you weren’t feeling 100% because the night before you had insomnia and couldn’t sleep…remember?”
The next thing I knew I started to think about this phrase “I wasn’t productive today” and thought well wait a minute what does being productive EVEN mean? What does it feel like?
I remember what it use to feel like. When I was a kid I remember coming home from school and thinking wow I really didn’t do much. Then in college I’d come home and think mmm didn’t really do much today. Then as an adult there was a time I had my own educational consulting program where I was teaching several groups, plus I was teaching community college students personal growth. Then I remember thinking when I would come home, “WOW I’m so productive and I’m exhausted. But I was so productive this is what it’s all about, right?”
Now let me remind you as a kid I was in school from morning till the afternoon, although I wasn’t into sports or after school activities, learning for 8 hours a day is exhausting. In college if I didn’t have more than a couple classes a day I thought I wasn’t being productive or a good student. This all rolled over into my adult life where in order to feel productive I need to be up to my head in work in order to validate my productivity.
I’m realizing more and more that in order to validate my productivity I need to feel overwhelmed and what that looks like in action is that I have multiple projects going on at once. I’ve had years of training in this after all! Then I wondered does exhaustion= productivity?
This is not a new concept for me at all. A few years ago when I hurt my back I literally couldn’t move. I was in so much pain that it was a success if I could put my pants on by myself, I’m not kidding! This is when a lot of things started to unravel for me. It’s like I was going round and round on the merry-go-round and I flung out. I sat there watching everyone going super fast and they didn't even realize they were going round and round at high speed. That's also when I had to start re-evaluating my boundaries. I couldn't participate in the same activities I did before. I went from hanging out with friends on the weekends, to traveling, and working to not being able to walk to my kitchen. So I really had to focus on my needs first.
Now I realize that my concept of what productivity looks like has to be measured by me and me only. Which is easier said than done. I realize that part of the problem with productivity is that I compare myself to others. Which is a huge no no! I have things going on with my body (hi invisible illness!), my personal life, and other things that are unique circumstances to my life that dictate how I plan my day and what I can humanly accomplish.
So here I am a work in progress. I'm refocusing my energy on myself and my world. As I write this I remembered a little trick I used to do when I had trouble acknowledging my own level productivity which I'll share in a separate post.
Did this post resonate with you? What are your thoughts? I'm really curious on how you view productivity and the culture around it. What does feeling productive mean or feel like to you? Overworking? Exhaustion?